5/22/2026 3:41 PM
A dance but I'm not allowed to hold you. A hug but I'm not allowed to touch you. That's what this feels like.
A dance but I'm not allowed to hold you. A hug but I'm not allowed to touch you. That's what this feels like.
5/22/26 3:30 AM
...and then I fell hard.
We finally got the loveseat upstairs in my office, I went to that amazing cafe,, and despite all the accomplishments today, now all I feel is nothing. The monotony of routine drives me away into my own mind, but in my own mind is an empty void. A bottomless pit that swallows all my triumph. Will moving on from you make me happy? Is that not what I'm trying and failing to do, with all these people that won't get back to me? Who smile and vanish?
I'm so upset. I can't be myself while I'm so desperate to be seen, understood, and known. I need to go to that place more often. I need to be present in a way so many people online can never be for me. I'm angry. I want more. I want so, so much more. We got this couch upstairs and it took so much incredible effort and now I lay on it languishing. A real, tangible model for my mental state. Maybe I am borderline? Why am I so... sad?
Why?
...and then I fell hard.
We finally got the loveseat upstairs in my office, I went to that amazing cafe,, and despite all the accomplishments today, now all I feel is nothing. The monotony of routine drives me away into my own mind, but in my own mind is an empty void. A bottomless pit that swallows all my triumph. Will moving on from you make me happy? Is that not what I'm trying and failing to do, with all these people that won't get back to me? Who smile and vanish?
I'm so upset. I can't be myself while I'm so desperate to be seen, understood, and known. I need to go to that place more often. I need to be present in a way so many people online can never be for me. I'm angry. I want more. I want so, so much more. We got this couch upstairs and it took so much incredible effort and now I lay on it languishing. A real, tangible model for my mental state. Maybe I am borderline? Why am I so... sad?
Why?
5/21/2026 4:00 PM
Therapist told me about another cool queer cafe downtown,, I hadn't gone to the other one she recommended yet but,, wow this place is cool.. someone's playing piano. Really really well. Reminds me a bit of the ice skating music from Charlie Brown. I hear guitar somewhere across the room that sounds like Strings Fashioned From Old Souls (turns out it was the piano player).
Surrounded by sounds of the stove clicking, the microwave dinging, all the distant mellow chatter. Little paint spots in different colors all over this table. This is so different. This place was hidden from me
edit: it wasn't a stove burner!! somebody here is typing on an actual typewriter. feheh, this is sublime
Therapist told me about another cool queer cafe downtown,, I hadn't gone to the other one she recommended yet but,, wow this place is cool.. someone's playing piano. Really really well. Reminds me a bit of the ice skating music from Charlie Brown. I hear guitar somewhere across the room that sounds like Strings Fashioned From Old Souls (turns out it was the piano player).
Surrounded by sounds of the stove clicking, the microwave dinging, all the distant mellow chatter. Little paint spots in different colors all over this table. This is so different. This place was hidden from me
edit: it wasn't a stove burner!! somebody here is typing on an actual typewriter. feheh, this is sublime
5/21/26 1:30 AM
Claws painted for the first time in half a year,,,, glad all these bottles are still in good condition after the move..
Eyeshadow powder was ruined in transit moving here, I should get more soon...
Claws painted for the first time in half a year,,,, glad all these bottles are still in good condition after the move..
Eyeshadow powder was ruined in transit moving here, I should get more soon...
5/19/2026 10:42 PM
I really really need to make more meaningful connections and I'm trying really really hard to make that happen
I really really need to make more meaningful connections and I'm trying really really hard to make that happen
5/19/2026 2:30 AM
I'm kind of amazed that my Snapjaw Socialite mod for Qud has almost 50 subscriptions on Steam...
Even if they're barely playing that build that's like... a lot of ppl with Blake in their puter..
I'm kind of amazed that my Snapjaw Socialite mod for Qud has almost 50 subscriptions on Steam...
Even if they're barely playing that build that's like... a lot of ppl with Blake in their puter..
5/19/2026 12:29 AM
In other news, I finally did my first full work week at this overnight thing. I'm working the front desk at a residential home, it's actually really lax so far, I find the shifts going by really quickly bc I actually have time to do my own things.
I think I worked on art at least half of those nights maybe ?? It's been really good. I don't really like being awake until 7 AM and I'm glad to be going to bed with my girlfriend again but I need a job and shit sucks out here. I feel about as fortunate as one can feel about it all. Minus a dickhead resident or two. But I barely see them.
In other news, I finally did my first full work week at this overnight thing. I'm working the front desk at a residential home, it's actually really lax so far, I find the shifts going by really quickly bc I actually have time to do my own things.
I think I worked on art at least half of those nights maybe ?? It's been really good. I don't really like being awake until 7 AM and I'm glad to be going to bed with my girlfriend again but I need a job and shit sucks out here. I feel about as fortunate as one can feel about it all. Minus a dickhead resident or two. But I barely see them.
5/19/2026 12:15 AM
I think the easiest way to make me trust you is to actually share the things I make with others. Include me. Don't keep me a secret like a few people in my life do. This isn't coming from any egotistical place, but a "friend" doesn't visit me in my cell. A friend helps me break out.
I know you're genuine if you go out of your way, beyond regular conversational politeness. I know you're genuine if you understand that you aren't entitled to the benefits of friendship without the burden of association. Don't tell two stories. An isolated person is forced to settle, but the less isolated they become the more they can choose, and if you are not good to me I will leave you behind.
I think the easiest way to make me trust you is to actually share the things I make with others. Include me. Don't keep me a secret like a few people in my life do. This isn't coming from any egotistical place, but a "friend" doesn't visit me in my cell. A friend helps me break out.
I know you're genuine if you go out of your way, beyond regular conversational politeness. I know you're genuine if you understand that you aren't entitled to the benefits of friendship without the burden of association. Don't tell two stories. An isolated person is forced to settle, but the less isolated they become the more they can choose, and if you are not good to me I will leave you behind.
5/15/2026 4:54 AM
I hope a lot of my character crushes are very obvious without having to be overt
I hope a lot of my character crushes are very obvious without having to be overt
5/15/2026 4:51 AM
Having accidentally wiped my SD card that I was using for my 3ds I went through the homebrew process again and found out Fourthtube actually supports both old and new 3ds systems... this is so sweet
Having accidentally wiped my SD card that I was using for my 3ds I went through the homebrew process again and found out Fourthtube actually supports both old and new 3ds systems... this is so sweet
5/9/2026 2:50 AM
at work today i got to hold the smallest kitten on the planet i think
little black creature head size of strawberry body size of twinkie
inconceivably little thing
at work today i got to hold the smallest kitten on the planet i think
little black creature head size of strawberry body size of twinkie
inconceivably little thing
5/8/2026 5:52 PM
when people "she" me at work or whatever i actually find it much more validating than being treated as a ""man"" because i am a boy.
so when people are wrong about me due to confusion rather than narrow mindedness i feel some sort of villainous purpose is fulfilled. your perception of me is so impressionable. malleable. i could be anything to you. tabula rasa
when people "she" me at work or whatever i actually find it much more validating than being treated as a ""man"" because i am a boy.
so when people are wrong about me due to confusion rather than narrow mindedness i feel some sort of villainous purpose is fulfilled. your perception of me is so impressionable. malleable. i could be anything to you. tabula rasa
5/7/2026 4:06 AM
I'm working on a new thing of Blake which is.. really doing a lot to me
He's a dream. I feel I've gotten so much better at communicating my feelings with art, this new thing is very tasteful yet playful.. in this deeply hypnotic way that I think is now ubiquitous for him
He's a stunner. I'm in love
I'm working on a new thing of Blake which is.. really doing a lot to me
He's a dream. I feel I've gotten so much better at communicating my feelings with art, this new thing is very tasteful yet playful.. in this deeply hypnotic way that I think is now ubiquitous for him
He's a stunner. I'm in love
5/6/2026 5:00 PM
i checked out the new starfox game
they're still hot idk why people are going nuts. am i missing something
i checked out the new starfox game
they're still hot idk why people are going nuts. am i missing something
5/2/2026 8:49 PM
Me + my red dolphin shorts + gym + treadmill = lots of attention ?????
Me + my red dolphin shorts + gym + treadmill = lots of attention ?????
5/1/2026 12:30 PM
just had a dream there was a rock song called "Healthy Trans People" and after waking up realized it was All The Small Things by Blink 182
just had a dream there was a rock song called "Healthy Trans People" and after waking up realized it was All The Small Things by Blink 182
4/30/2026 9:05 PM
the forces of the universe see fit to force me into another overnight desk job
i cast a wide net and i guess i get roped back into this, but i think i might have lots of time to work on stuff and get my mingle on with my non american friends (and americans with busted sleep schedules)
the forces of the universe see fit to force me into another overnight desk job
i cast a wide net and i guess i get roped back into this, but i think i might have lots of time to work on stuff and get my mingle on with my non american friends (and americans with busted sleep schedules)
4/29/2026 7:17 PM
i wonder how the YTP scene is in non-english languages? i wonder if ytps actually help with learning languages due to recontextualization? or i wonder if they're a hinderance lol
i wonder how the YTP scene is in non-english languages? i wonder if ytps actually help with learning languages due to recontextualization? or i wonder if they're a hinderance lol
4/24/2026 6:11 PM
it's over 60F for the first time this year so i just biked another 8 miles and still feeling like i have energy left over. goodness
it's over 60F for the first time this year so i just biked another 8 miles and still feeling like i have energy left over. goodness
4/24/2026 6:05 PM
i've had this phone since like Christmas of 2024 and i only just now noticed the clock app icon changes with the time because it's 6 oclock and the damn thing is completely straight and caught me off guard
i've had this phone since like Christmas of 2024 and i only just now noticed the clock app icon changes with the time because it's 6 oclock and the damn thing is completely straight and caught me off guard
4/18/2026 7:31 PM
recalling a week ago when a friend said i have "streamer voice"
recalling a week ago when a friend said i have "streamer voice"
4/18/2026 6:58 PM
4/17/2026 6:19 PM
have you ever had a "i forgive you because i don't know if you changed at all but it's been years and i just no longer have the capacity to be upset anymore" feeling about somebody
I guess to balance that out I found out Infected Mushroom are pro-Israel and I kind of avoided looking into it. Regret that now! Fuck em. That sucks.
have you ever had a "i forgive you because i don't know if you changed at all but it's been years and i just no longer have the capacity to be upset anymore" feeling about somebody
I guess to balance that out I found out Infected Mushroom are pro-Israel and I kind of avoided looking into it. Regret that now! Fuck em. That sucks.
4/16/2026 ?:?? PM
first: world peace. then: a body pillow case that doesn't take 10 minutes to put on
first: world peace. then: a body pillow case that doesn't take 10 minutes to put on
4/15/2026 12:26 PM
good morning to evil sluts from planet Earth
good morning to evil sluts from planet Earth
4/14/2026 12:32 PM
Daily affirmations:
- 1. i live
- 2. i hunger
- 3. i am Sinistar
Daily affirmations:
- 1. i live
- 2. i hunger
- 3. i am Sinistar
4/12/2026 6:50 AM
i'm filled with wan-der-lust. my dreams are run-ning cir-cles. i want to wake. up. smi-ling.
i'm filled with wan-der-lust. my dreams are run-ning cir-cles. i want to wake. up. smi-ling.
4/11/2026 3:48 PM
whenever i'm around this person i just feel so much positive energy and joy. i hope we can hang out more soon, so many things going on lately
whenever i'm around this person i just feel so much positive energy and joy. i hope we can hang out more soon, so many things going on lately
4/10/2026 4:10 PM
i finally had my wisdom teeth surgery and they have been sent directly to hell, goodbye solid foods i will miss you for the next week or so
i finally had my wisdom teeth surgery and they have been sent directly to hell, goodbye solid foods i will miss you for the next week or so
4/9/2026 10:00 PM
tried noita again but i feel like i'm outgrowing it bc it is maybe the least fun roguelite to start a new run in
tried noita again but i feel like i'm outgrowing it bc it is maybe the least fun roguelite to start a new run in
4/8/2026 2:56 AM
speaking of gay, this art i'm working on has me riding so so high on doggy endorphins, i'm glowing just thinking about it and how excited i am to share it
speaking of gay, this art i'm working on has me riding so so high on doggy endorphins, i'm glowing just thinking about it and how excited i am to share it
4/8/2026 2:49 AM
filing my claws with a big pink emery board like the gayest cartoon character you could possibly imagine
filing my claws with a big pink emery board like the gayest cartoon character you could possibly imagine
4/5/2026 3:32 PM
although i've been posting my art more places, i'm still wanting to stick to my guns about not using tumblr anymore (i left years ago) because of how bad the staff are about banning minorities, and reading the latest posts has reaffirmed my understanding that they're still shitheads
although i've been posting my art more places, i'm still wanting to stick to my guns about not using tumblr anymore (i left years ago) because of how bad the staff are about banning minorities, and reading the latest posts has reaffirmed my understanding that they're still shitheads
4/5/2026 3:11PM
had a divine revelation just now looking at curtains and have spent days trying to remember an art style term for a lot of them, and when I thought about the album art for "Buy Now" by Eyeliner the word Bauhaus instantly manifested in my mind
had a divine revelation just now looking at curtains and have spent days trying to remember an art style term for a lot of them, and when I thought about the album art for "Buy Now" by Eyeliner the word Bauhaus instantly manifested in my mind
4/4/2026 1:52 PM
it's at least Saturday and I get to hang out with good people and draw and have fun (I've started doing VC nights on my Discord at 9 CST Saturdays, open invitation if u wanna watch me draw and watch vids).
I've been working on more good stuff. and I was recently told this website is "endearing". that makes me very happy. people like what I do. I deserve to be around
it's at least Saturday and I get to hang out with good people and draw and have fun (I've started doing VC nights on my Discord at 9 CST Saturdays, open invitation if u wanna watch me draw and watch vids).
I've been working on more good stuff. and I was recently told this website is "endearing". that makes me very happy. people like what I do. I deserve to be around
4/4/2026 1:50 PM
Dealing with jaw pain, still waiting to schedule my oral surgery, a million places I try to reach out to never being available, but monthly expenses seem to never forget to charge me, worrying that my $300 IPL I got last year might actually fucking suck, and feeling intimidated, even now, by the prospect of interacting with someone who may want nothing to do to me and just letting that possible connection go by, are just a few of the things I try very hard to make it through and don't talk much about. On top of everything we're all dealing with.
I have my day to day pains but I have this incredible holistic pain that is just not possible to understand in passing. You have to be curious about people. You have to be willing to remember the words they say when those words disappear
Dealing with jaw pain, still waiting to schedule my oral surgery, a million places I try to reach out to never being available, but monthly expenses seem to never forget to charge me, worrying that my $300 IPL I got last year might actually fucking suck, and feeling intimidated, even now, by the prospect of interacting with someone who may want nothing to do to me and just letting that possible connection go by, are just a few of the things I try very hard to make it through and don't talk much about. On top of everything we're all dealing with.
I have my day to day pains but I have this incredible holistic pain that is just not possible to understand in passing. You have to be curious about people. You have to be willing to remember the words they say when those words disappear
4/2/2026 1:59 PM
playing Louie Zong on the aux to establish trust, then with everyone in a false sense of security i break out Flowers of Evil by Ruth White
playing Louie Zong on the aux to establish trust, then with everyone in a false sense of security i break out Flowers of Evil by Ruth White
4/2/2026 1:58 PM
I've noticed the date on my last entry, I would like to emphasize that I would never joke about not being gay
I've noticed the date on my last entry, I would like to emphasize that I would never joke about not being gay
3/30/2026 3:56 PM
finally started Lucid Blocks and my god. it really does perfectly capture that feeling of playing minecraft for the first time and not having a single clue
finally started Lucid Blocks and my god. it really does perfectly capture that feeling of playing minecraft for the first time and not having a single clue
3/30/2026 3:55 PM
pipe dream: Blake portrait by dimwitdog. o my God. i can see it now
pipe dream: Blake portrait by dimwitdog. o my God. i can see it now
3/27/2026 11:14 PM
3/27/2026 11:13 PM
who ordered the hot futch sundae pop tarts .....
(my girlfriend did so i went and got some)
who ordered the hot futch sundae pop tarts .....
(my girlfriend did so i went and got some)
3/27/2026 9:10 PM
mobian blake on my mind
mobian blake on my mind
3/24/2026 2:37 AM
what do we make of this tboy dr starline
what do we make of this tboy dr starline
3/20/2026 12:36 PM
doggy downloads are measured in kibblebytes
doggy downloads are measured in kibblebytes
3/20/2026 12:35 PM
love that blue bird girl Martlet from UTI or whatever it's called
love that blue bird girl Martlet from UTI or whatever it's called
3/11/2026 11:46 PM
just once i wanna "ohhh 💞waiiter~!!!✨ 💖" in earnest
just once i wanna "ohhh 💞waiiter~!!!✨ 💖" in earnest
3/09/2026 2:07 AM
thinking abt one of my all time favorite YTP lines which is "from this point on, a dead man controls the wheels"
thinking abt one of my all time favorite YTP lines which is "from this point on, a dead man controls the wheels"
3/04/2026 12:10 PM
i want to press playdough onto the epic of gilgamesh i think
i want to press playdough onto the epic of gilgamesh i think
